![]() ![]() So the cycle continues, with you becoming ever more anxious and trying to get information that he isn’t able or willing to give you. The more anxious you get, the more you push for an answer, and the more he shuts down and says, “I don’t know.” ![]() Hoping for an answer, you push him (“Think about it now!”), and the one clear answer he gives you-that he doesn’t want to think about the future-leaves you feeling anxious. You collude with his avoidance by attempting to bring things up obliquely. You’re right that you and your boyfriend haven’t talked about “some big things,” but the biggest thing you need to discuss is the pattern going on between you two. I can hear how anxious you are about what might happen when your deadline arrives, but I want to suggest that the deadline is almost beside the point. Is two years an arbitrary deadline, and should I give him more time if he is not ready? Or did I already give him too long, and should I try to get him to decide these things now? Am I wasting my time? My friends think I am just delaying an inevitable disappointment once the deadline is here. So I have been slowly preparing myself to be disappointed by what happens at our two-year deadline. I am 30, and I don’t imagine that in six months he’ll suddenly be able to think about the future in the way that I need to. I try asking questions like “What kind of sports would be fun to watch our kids play?” or “What country have you never traveled to that you have always wanted to go to?” and he always says, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.” So I say, “Think about it now!” and he just says he doesn’t know again, or that he can’t think that far into the future. We haven’t talked about some big things, like whether we want to have kids, or to live in the suburbs or the city-things I believe we should discuss to be able to make the decision to build a life together. When I ask him to imagine a future together, he says he can’t think about that, because he’s so focused on his job. We are now six months away from our deadline for the marriage decision. However, marriage as a topic still makes him uncomfortable. We were friends before we started dating, and I treasure this friendship and love the time we spend together. He treats me very well, and does romantic, kind things that I imagine only someone who truly cares about me would do. Since then, we have tried to determine if we are suited to marriage with each other. We agreed that two people should know whether or not they want to get married after two years of dating, so one year from that conversation was going to be our deadline. ![]() He said he didn’t know whether he wanted to get married again, whereas I knew I wanted to get married one day. A year into dating, we sat down and talked. About six months in, I could tell he was uncomfortable with the subject of marriage-he is divorced and a bit jaded by the experience. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. Have a question? Email her at want to miss a single column? Sign up to get “Dear Therapist” in your inbox. Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. ![]()
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